Sunday, June 27, 2010

Conan Reboot?

Frazetta is probably rolling over in his grave...

I recently learned there is a Conan the Barbarian reboot movie in production. It stars the unknown, but beefy, Jason Momoa.

Apparently he's in some version of the Stargate franchise, and that's all I know.

I've seen two actors mentioned in the role of Conan's father, Mickey Rourke and Ron Perlman. I imagine either in that role. I saw Perlman's name mentioned more recently, however.

Rachel Nichols plays some young, female, and beautiful who can also fight burly men on equal terms. The description of her character reads, in part, "She is not intimidated by Conan's size (!) or grim demeanor and their alliance eventually blossoms into something that surprises them both." Somehow, I doubt I'll be all that surprised when Conan shtupps her. And what's with "blossoms"? Crom, what weak humored woman wrote this shite? The only thing that should blossom around Conan are spurts of blood from the wounds of his foemen.

Conan tracks Khalar Singh across the Hyborian world. Khalar who? I don't know either. It's another generic fantasy strawman for Conan to beat up on.

Apparently the reams of material left behind by Robert Howard can not be adapted into a movie. REH was just too brilliant. I'm sure the same goes for the rich, vivid artists who have successfully handled Conan: Frazetta, Gianni, Buscema. Nope, we'll just have to keep Conan mostly naked and plop him onto the most available Fantasyland backlot.

Why can't Hollywood just do a straight movie from the Conan material? It shouldn't be that hard. You open the reboot movie with him chasing the Frost Giant's daughter and getting nto a fight with her brothers. Then he heads south to become a thief. There are several excellent thief stories to carry the first portion of his career. As the movie ends, he escapes some jailer and heads for the coast to become a pirate. The second movie has him raiding Hyborian shipping, only to be pirated himself by Belit. There's a whole movie there with Conan and Belit in the jungle. When Belit dies, Conan heads east onto the steppes to work as a mercenary captain. On and on it goes until you finish a series with Conan being crowned King of Aquilonia. It's not hard!!!

BTW, I don't have a problem with casting an unknown. I could even see casting a wrestler or MMA fighter, in fact, that might work for the best because the problem I have with Jason Momoa is: Conan held a lot of jobs, but he was never a male model! Momoa is to pretty. He needs to be punched in the face a few times before he looks like Conan. (Not that I'm advocating punching Jason Momoa in the face.)

I'm probably too harsh. Arnold doesn't really look like Conan either, according to the descriptions. But he also looked like he lived a little, and wasn't primped and preened by professionals to get his hair "just right."


TexanBeauty said...

(Quoting you)
but he was never a male model! Momoa is to pretty. He needs to be punched in the face a few times before he looks like Conan. (Not that I'm advocating punching Jason Momoa in the face.)

Not the you are advocating he be punched in the face......that is exactly what you just did! Next time, before you post about an UNKOWN (as you stated), PLEASE know your's not hard to research an actor on the web.

That so called UNKNOWN, Jason Momoa, was punched in the face in real life a couple of years ago. He had a glass shattered across his face and under went reconstructive surgery on his face along with 140+ sttches! So before you make snide remarks about what an actore needs to look like....KNOW YOUR FACTS! The scars he flaunts are not stage make-up, those scars are REAL! He has the right to be called "Beautiful", because he is a beautiful soul. Yes, he was once a male model, but that was 10+ years ago....he is an actor through and through. He will do the character of Conan proud, and he will surprise a lot of judgemental, doubtful critics that I have seen FAR too many of!!!

jrf said...

Thank you.

But you're taking my comments far, far too seriously.

And reconstructive surgery or not...

He's still too pretty to be Conan.

Now, please step away from the computer.

7 said...

He was on Stargate: Atlantis.

Timbo said...

I hate to admit to knowing this, but he was one of the stars of Baywatch Hawaii