Someone caught up with me in the real world and said, "I heard you want a GI Joe movie."
Ah, another blog fan. I thanked him for his interest and congratulated him on his superb taste in web reading. Anyway, he proceeded to insist that someone had, indeed, already made such a movie. "Yes," I told him, "The Story of GI Joe; back in the fifties. It's a different thing -- but it was one of the inspiration for the name." NO, no, he insisted, this was back in the eighties.
And then he launched into a rambling description of a plot combining elements from two different, bad movies: Mega Force and Delta Force. Now, I'm unfortunate enough to say that I've seen both films. That's four hours of my teenage life I will never see any return on investment. I could've been home deep cleaning my acne to impress Gina, the cheerleader I had a crush on, but instead I watched this crap.
OK, the dune buggies in Mega Force were pretty cool. Chuck Norris's uzi-toting, tang soo do kicking, black uniformed hero in Delta Force kinda reminded me of Snake Eyes if I squinted really heard and muted the volume. But neither movie was remotely good enough to be confused with GI Joe.
I've managed to hide the deranged individual's body in my usual spot. He won't blaspheme ever again. Hopefully the Arashikage I-Ching ideogram I carved into his flesh with my spike handled trench knife will consign his spirit to an appropriate spot in hell.
I also had the hilarious fortune to see the Sho Kosugi movie 9 Deaths of the Ninja. This is the "Ed Wood" movie of martial arts cinema. It is so bad that it becomes good. It is perfectly suited to Mystery Science Theater 3000 viewing. (Too bad that show is gone.) I could describe the plot, but why bother? This is the kind of movie that has a main villain rolling through the jungle in a wheelchair, while dressed in a white suit, with a diaper-clad monkey for a pet. For good measure, his German "accent" consists entirely of random "Z" sounds in place of the "Th" sound. This is the kind of movie that has not one, but two scantily clad, all-girl armies, and a squad of kung-fu fighting midgets for good measure. I'm not exactly sure what relation the title had to the story, but I can tell you that this ninja nearly died nine times from laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.
8 comments:
In this age of PC, I would like to note that my references to doing violence on fellow human beings are merely hyperbolic satire. No actual Readers were injured in the creation of this posting. It's suppossed to be -- you know -- over the top. I do not condone the injury or death of any of my Readers. I have too few of them...
Is that Barry Bostwick in that tan spandex suit?
That spandex unitard is Hot. Strike a pose!
Sho Kosugi is a fraud and charlatan. He is no more a ninja than I am a game cock! (Did I just say that?)
I suppose I may keep a tab on that hoax slayer site. It might be useful for a gullible simpleton like myself.
It IS Barry Bostwick in the spandex! How did we ever survive the early Eighties?
I spit on the graves of the ancestors of all kung fu fighting midgets. Bring them on!
Mr. Bostwick will next be appearing on Dancing with the Stars.
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