Dancing Shoes

Surprise hit Dancing With the Stars is soon to return to network television. The bad news is: "Stars" is a relative term. Most of these folks are B-Grade at best, most are washed up and looking for a second chance.

The good news is: Two beautiful women may make it worth watching.

Actress Tia Carrere, know for Wayne's World, Wayne's World 2, and a sizzling tango with th Governator in True Lies will be appearing as one of the contestants. She's got a pretty good shot at the title based on her ability to heat up the ballroom with Der Schwarzenneger.

The second dancing hottie is World Wrestling Entertainment's Stacy Keibler.
Yes, this blonde bombshell is a professional wrestler. And yes, she probably could break you in half.
Some of you might like that.
Come on. You know you're going to watch now. Don't even try to deny it.
Can she dance? Well, she was a college cheerleader, and wrestling is mostly choreography... So I hope so.
So nice, we posted it twice.

Sweet Lord.

The Truth is Somewhere

The man ultimately responsible for the Roswell UFO flap recently passed away.

That's one way to get onto the "Naughty" List

Santa and his helpers

Share My Pain II

I couldn't explain why to save my life, but this has been stuck in my head for days:

Charles in Charge by Timothy Thompson - Charles in Charge Lyrics
New boy in the neighborhood
Lives downstairs and it is understood.
He’s there just to take good care of me, Like he’s one of the family.

Charles in Charge
Of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge
Of our wrongs and our rights

And I sing, I want, I want Charge in Charge of me.

Charles in Charge
Of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge
Of our wrongs and our rights
And I sing, I want, I want Charge in Charge of me.

I know, but a few shots of Tequila will make it go away...
Eventually.

Alexander

This weekend, I borrowed my brother's copy of Oliver Stone's Alexander: The Director's Cut. Frankly, I thought this foray into the sword-and-sandal genre wasn't half bad.
Now, a disclaimer, if you don't know already, the subject of this film, Alexander the Great, was another great gay warrior. There's even a good visual pun on the infamous historical witicism: "Aleaxnder was never defeated, except by the thighs of Hephestion." I'm sure you folks are beginning to wonder about me. But keep in mind, this is my brother's collection. I think he bought this to complete his Angelina Jolie videos.

If you're beginning to think all ancient warriors were all "men's men," well, keep your loinclothes on, in 2006 we'll see film versions of Beowulf and Tristan and Isolde, about warriors worthy of the name "swordsmen." (i.e. they dig chicks.)

Anyway, back to the point: this movie did an excellent job of making the military history portion accessible. Stone found a narrative technique to give the audience an aerial view of the battle lines -- important to understanding an era in which opposing armies truly did form up into cohesive formations -- and a dust-level view of the carnage to see how the individual fighting men of the day met each other.

If your mental image of the Ancient world is dominated by stark white marble columns, Stone also disabuses this notion quickly by demonstrating the riot of color and rich architectural heritage of the Persian Empire, and its influence over the invading Greeks. Along the way, Stone features cameo shots of several of the Seven Wonders of the World, as well as other notable Ancient landmarks: The Lighthouse at Pharos, the Library of Alexandria, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, etc. Heck, I think I even glimpsed a shot of the so-called Tower of Babel. Stone succeeded in the first rule of epic film-making: give the audience something they simply will not see anywhere else.

One interesting theme that runs as an undercut to this film is the idea of the clash of Western and Eastern Civilizations. When Ridley Scott released his Crusades movie, Kingdom of Heaven, last year, the critics made much about the Christian vs. Arab themes. Little was said about the culture clash in this movie. But the theme is unmistakable and the point is also undeniable: even without the two major monotheistic religions on stage, Eastern and Western Civilizations have always been rivals and competitors. Unfortunately, Stone doesn't really follow this notion through. He misses one of the great, even lasting, achievements of Alexander's short reign: he managed to successfully meld the two cultures together. Whe the Roman Legions marched into Asia a few centuries later, they found a remarkably high culture sharing much in common with the Roman Civilization. Had Alexander left a strong dynasty to follow him, Rome might have found a powerful, unified enemy rather than disorganized principalities. The center of Western Civilization might have shifted into Asia Minor and the whole of History may have been very different
There's a question historian like to argue in bars: is history the story of sweeping forces, or great individuals? Alexander is a case study for this question. There is no question that he was a "Great Man" with a unique vision and the skill and ability to impose it on others. However he was also the product of centuries of accumulated Greek wisdom and ambition. On the other hand, his own homosexual proclivities denied him an heir, so this one highly personal foible set in motion a dramatic downturn in his achievements. However, it also set the stage for the later Roman expansion, and a return to the split between East and West.

This was not a great film, but it was thought provoking on many levels.

Plus, the fighting was cool. Really cool.

Mmmm... Glock

Tan Like the Desert Sky Update

Word has come out that there may yet be life in the film version of Michael Zick's novel Tan Like the Desert Sky. Unfortunately, Benjamin Bratt has confirmed that he has bowed out of the starring role as Victor Castillo.

Occam's Broadsword will stay on this story to bring you the latest in news on this eagerly anticipated film.

Grey Knights

More from the world of Warhammer 40,000...
These bad boys are the Grey Knights Space Marines, a Chapter attached to the Ordo Malleus, the Daemonhunters of the Inquisition.
I know, you're asking, "What's that mean?" Who cares, they paint up real cool.

Still don't care? Fine. Keep scrolling down. I'm sure you'll find something you'll like...

A Very Merry Christmas

A little something to heat up your holidays.
The first person to make a joke about "opening packages" gets hit.



Festivus: for the Rest of Us

Kris Cutlery: a plug for quality swords

Here's a nod to an often overlooked company making superb quality martial arts weapons: Kris Cutlery.

Kris specializes in authentic Filipino weapons: bolos, barongs, kris, karambits, etc. While there are many reproductions of these interesting edged weapons out there, Kris Cutlery puts a premium on mixing tradition and quality in equal amounts.

Kris also has a respectable array of Japanese weapons. The emphasis in this line has been more on durability and quality, with historical authenticity being a secondary consideration. Their weapons however, are very, very well made. Anyone looking for a katana to use for actual cutting practice would be well advised to consider a Kris Cutlery sword as an option.

There have worked towards producing more visually accurate katanas and their newest top-of-the-line sword is comparable to many other company's offerings. I own a Kris Cutlery Tanto II (see the first picture), which is an aikuchi mounted knife. It is a superb piece with an accurate traditional blade shape with a visible hamon temper line. There are only a few production knives of this style, and fewer of this quality.
Kris does have two other assortments; a Chinese sword line and a line of European weapons. The Chinese swords look very good and all of the major blade shapes are well represented. The European swords range is more limited but includes Celtic leaf swords, a Roman Gladius, and a High Middle Ages long sword. This last line should maintain the same quality of workmanship, but is severely lacking in variety. Still, this shouldn't be a black mark against the company. Kris Cutlery has so many excellent pieces, I could hardly expect them to provide a full assortment of Western reproduction weapons as well.

I am the Viper!

It seems the federal government has decided to expand the role of air marshals to cover other interstate travel. Who knows, maybe someday you'll have your very own air marshal everytime you drive your personally-owned vehicle across state lines...
Hey, these guys don't even have to stand up to do their jobs? What a bunch of slackers... ;-)

Royal Accomplishments

MSNBC had some suggestions about what Peter Jackson should do now that he has achieved the impossible, a good remake of a classic adventure movie, King Kong. If you have suggestions for Peter Jackson's next film project, feel free to post them -- But I'll go ballistic if I see one Anonymous post suggesting Jackson do a big-budget, special effects bonanza remake of Debbie Does Dallas.

Fake, Fake Ninja

Not long ago, I posted about several groups claiming to be ninja. Hopefully that helped sort out the real, fake ninja. But a few of you have been asking questions about fake, fake ninja.

So let's get straight on those ninja clans have never actually existed.

The Hand: This secretive, mystical group of assassin mercenaries first appeared in the Daredevil series of comic books. One of the Hand's best gimmicks was disintegrating into a puff of green smoke when they were killed. They were the invention of Comic Book genius, Frank Miller. They have since turned into the standard Marvel Universe ninja clan. Elektra Natchios is the main Hand trained ninja character, but Wolverine, Daredevil, and an assortment of other Marvel comics heroes have fought against, or trained with The Hand.

At the height of ninja-mania back in the Eighties, two artists created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a spoof of the explosion of ninja in comic books. Eastman and Laird riffed off The Hand, and created The Foot. This group of ninja, lead by the evil Shredder was bent on world domination. They never got very far, thanks to those Turtles.

Everyone here has learned about GI Joe's resident ninja clan -- the Arashikage. About two years into the comic book's run, writer Larry Hama introduced the ninja storyline. The series quickly turned into the saga of the sword brothers, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. The mythos grew slowly. At first, Hama didn't even know the Japanese translation of "Storm Shadow." A reader volunteered the information. Despite the shaky start, Hama did a pretty good job of coming up to speed in the research department. Although he borrowed liberlly from the ninja legends, not just history. Still, the main ninja inspiration for many in my generation.

The Japanese Manga series, Lone Wolf and Cub featured The Kurokawa ninja clan. These were the Shogun's spies, one third of the secret police who maintained order in Tokugawa Japan. The other branches were the Yagyu assassin samurai, and the Dai Kaishakunin executioner.

The main character, Itto Ogami, often fell into conflict with the Kurokawa. His greatest battle with them was against the Bentenrai brothers, experts with hand claws, warclub, and backhanded sword technique. Fortunately, this was a fight between professionals, and the last brother admired the splendid cut Itto used to finish him.

Although fictional, the Kurokawa were based on legends and rumors about the Tokugawa's gardeners being a corps of ninja sent on special missions. The Kurokawa were also the inspiration for Frank Miller to create The Hand.


The League of Shadows: Oh boy. Repeat after me -- "There are no ninja in Tibet." Actually, despit this gross inaccuracy, I rather enjoyed the portrayal of ninja in Batman Begins. They were cool.

Troy Redux

I saw the clunker Troy while home for Thanksgiving. My brother has this killer DVD collection, so I usually just wait to see what he's got rather than pay Blockbuster. I'm glad I didn''t spend any money on this one.


Troy wasn't terrible, just uninspired. And it really didn't do the origianl Homeric Epic any justice at all. I did think Brad Pitt's Achilles wasn't bad. He was a Heroic Age guided missile, and the first fight presented him exactly as such. Agamemnon releases Achilles as a precision guided munition, and eliminates the opposing army's champion and ends the war in a single subclavian stab of shock and awe.

I thought that was an interesting modern interpretation of the character. Too bad he comes off as such a sullen, prissy boy second-guessing his purpose for most of the rest of the film. It's like a JADM Satellite Guided Bomb saying to the loader, "I know I'm purpose built to incinerate Saddam's underground bunker, but I'd rather be reading Jane Austen by the pool."

To be fair, the Iliad has Achilles sulking in his tent for much of the war precisely because he is a prima donna. But this film is so taken with the idea of using big budget effects to recreate the time and place, and having big name stars doing the heavy lifting, that the scriptwriters must not have been paid to provide any characterization. Achilles motivations remain fairly unclear beyond a rather standard: I'm doing it for fortune and glory.

OK, than why sit out the war? What does it matter if you think Agamemnon is a blowhard, so long as he gives you the chance to fight?


The film's answer is that the hardened Achilles has fallen in love with Briseis, a Trojan princess captured during his practically one-handed amphibious assault of the Trojan shore.

Unfortunately for Hollywood, some of us actually read the classics. Achilles was kind of a "man's man," if you know what I mean. Briseis was the sticking point in the Achilles/Agamemnon alliance in the book, but it was an argument over chattel, not love. Achilles was in a long-term relationship with his cousin Patroclus.

So when the film's rote chronology eventually reaches the point when Hector accidentally kills Patroclus, the audience is left to wonder why Achilles is so beside himself with grief that he stops the entire war to challenge Hector and hold 12 days of games. (This last pronouncement is especially jarring to modern sensibilities.)

They tried. They really did. The movie looks good. The actors are all pretty. The Classical "kung fu" fights are pretty good. The source material is first rate epic stuff. But it clunks. You can hear the film sputter and cough underneath the shiny hood.

Stuff like this still has the power to spark the imagination. But it simply doesn't translate to modern media. Two hours and change is no way to present the Iliad. CG generated armies are nice, but can't hold a candle to the spectacle of Troy's myriad of Asiatic allies mustering in the mind's eys while reading the verse.

Yes, You Actually Can Own Jessica Alba!

Sorry, boys. While I wouldn't lie about something as important as this, I don't mean you can take home the real thing. (Unless you're really, really charming.) So wipe up that drool.
You can have sweet and demure Jessica as Invisible Woman from Fantastic 4.
Or raunchy Jessica as Nancy the law student stripper from Sin City.
Nancy is available in Film Noir black and white or color versions.
So if you were still wondering what to ask for for Christmas, I'm sure you can still find these available on Ebay.