La Vida Loca!

I want you! (Or your soul)
Ricky as Leather Pants Man.
Rick, that doesn't look all that comfortable...

Jill Hennessy

Dress Like Bond

My latest copy of Esquire arrived in the mail today. It included a very short column that provided advice on how to dress like Sean Connery in From Russia With Love. As they said, it may be 42 years since this film was released, but the style is timeless.

The Look: A slim gray glen-plaid suit. "Make sure the pocket square has a razor-sharp edge."
(The Esquire suit from Hickey by Hickey Freeman is a bargain at $1095.) The suit is paired with a blue shirt and a dark knit tie. (Esquire's shirt? $250 by Turnbull & Asser, the same suppliers to the original film.) Black shoes, plain and well-shined. "007 never wore funky buckles or boot straps." (Esquire shoes are by Church's and only cost $690.)

Geez, with prices like those, you know why he never let himself get shot.

And you have to wonder about Her Majesty's Contracting Officer's budgetary constraints...


Tatiana Romanva was played by Italian beauty queen Daniella Bianchi, who spoke English so poorly she needed to be dubbed. Guess the producers were impressed by her other assets.

JAG

My wife teases me all the time about the crush I have on Catherine Bell. Sorry, I'm not going to apologize. The best thing about this woman is... She speaks fluent Farsi.

Farsi!

That's just crazy.

Anyway, after all this bad news out of the Gulf Coast, I needed the pick me up that only unabashed, crush-based cheesecake would satisfy. Hope you like her too.

Clean as an "Angel"

Um... Yeah... Look, I owe the ladies some beefcake. I got to thinking, "Hey, David Boreanaz has that new show Bones on Tuesdays at 8 on Fox. It's getting buzz. Maybe he'll do."

Oh, he'll do all right. But what he'll do, I'm just not sure. And I don't want to find out...

Things to do in New Orleans When You're Wet

In the aftermath of New orleans being wiped off the face of the earth, and the complete collapse of society into a state of near barbarism, several folks have inquired -- gently -- about my recommendations for properly preparing for a mini-Apocalypse. Let's start with your all importnat trinity of tools; the very foundation of post-armaggedon preparedness: pistol*shotgun*rifle
For pistols, I am a firm believer in the all-around durability of the Glock. Get a full-size one. You won't be worrying about concealability after the fall of authority. It also provides a more stable shooting platform if you need to lend it to an inexperienced shooter. The big debate in handguns is caliber. Most writers will tell you to get the largest caliber weapon you can handle. I say that 9mm is probably the most practical for an emergency tool. 9mm ammunition is plentiful, and the round is very easy to handle for those aforementioned new shooters. If the police in your jurisdiction have switched to the .40, you should consider buying the interchangeable Glock parts for converting your 9mm pistol into a .40 so you can make use of scavanged ammunition.
You might also consider buying whatever handgun is standard issue for your local law enforcement, again to make use of scavanged ammunition. The Beretta is the most widely issued military pistol, and they issue 9mm. So if you intend to scrounge from National Guard supplies, keep that in mind. I still say, go Glock, as multiple authors have subjected the Glock to multiple torture tests, and it just keeps shooting.
The Remington 870 is perhaps the most popular police riot gun and a variety of attachments are available. A barrel choke that spreads your shot into a fan pattern can be very comforting for a mob scene. Shotguns can be equally useful for hunting and close encounters of the bad kind.
The military has been shifting to the Benelli Super 90. Nice piece. Just be sure to stock up on plenty of 12 gauge buckshot.
For rifles, I recommend an AR-15 or clone as your single rifle choice. There are plentiful spare parts from military and police sources following the ruin of our culture. Is it the perfect all around rifle for all your needs? No, but it will solve all your immediate self-defense need -- because you will always use your rifle, even at short range, for your serious anti-personnel work. Get a short, carbine version to save on size and weight. There are hundreds of attachments for the AR-15, most of them are iseless bells and whistles for our current purposes. If you are an ex-Navy SEAL, or other Operator, maybe you'll find them helpful for close quarter combat, but if you're not an armed professional, the only extra worth considering is a flashlight for target identification. After all, you don't want to shoot Grandma.

If you're thinking of a second rifle, or wnat to know what to loot off the steaming corpses of your enemies, get a scoped bolt-action in .30-06. It can be used for hunting, or for those special applications and hard to reach problems.

Knives are especially helpful to have around in a life-threatening situation. They have the added benefit of being available nearly 24 hours a day, and never running out of ammunition. Get into the habit of carrying a folder. I endorse the continual carry of Swiss Army Knives, and a more substantial folder such as a Spyderco, Cold Steel Voyager, or something from the CRKT series. If you expect to be doing odd jobs while you wait for the authorities to rescue you, add a Leatherman pocket tool. these three items can tackle almost any personal need and are handy in a true emergency.
If you're wandering in a lawless wasteland, you'll need a fixed blade. For general use (not just silently removing roaming marauders), I recommend a Ka-bar. This USMC standard will handle all the larger chores your folding knives can't touch. Plus, you'll have a solid pommel to use as a make shift hammer. There are more expensive knives out there, and if you're a blade-nut, go for it. But for the part-time survivalist, a ka-bar is the best way to go.

A handy item to fill several gaps is the Cold Steel Special Forces shovel. This is an entrenching tool on steroids. It is big enough to use when building an emergency shelter, it can be used as a hatchet, and even as a paddle when you want to direct yourself upstream. The tool is based on an item issued to Russian Spetsnaz, whom are taught to fight it with it as a weapon. Although it may not look like much, it is fearsome in that role.
You'll need two kinds of flashlights. A Maglite for general use -- it's best to get a minimag. And a Surefire for high intensity illumination in a compact package. You can use the Surefire for map reading or lighting your abode, but you'll use up the expensive batteries and burn out the lamp faster than you'll go through the water you "liberated" from the hulk of the grocery store. That's why you want the minimag. Save the Surefire for blinding an opponent at night before you perforate him with your Glock; or for checking out Grandma before you accidentally slot her.

I like to add a super tiny maglite Solitaire to my daily carry kit with my Swiss Army knife. You know, just in case.

So how do you carry all this junk? Well, you don't really. Remember, in our scenario you're defending your little slice of "paradise" until either order is restored, or you see Mad Max pass by in his camel-driven, black Interceptor. So all you really need is a holster or your pistol and a slung bag for your spare magazines. But if you want to go whole hog and get organized, check out Blackhawk gear or Maxpedition hip packs. Your local surplus store should have perfectly servicable load-bearing equipment.

So that's it. Stock up on canned goods. Remember the basic formula is 1 gallon of water per person per day. And for goodness sakes: keep your ammunition dry!

Share My Pain

I haven't been able to get this song out of my head. One of the downsides to Jack-FM coming to my hometown...

Jessie's Girl
Jessie is a friend, yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine
And she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it
Yeah 'n' he's holding her in his arms late, late at night

CHORUS:
You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl
I wish that I had Jessie's girl
Where can I find a woman like that

I play along with the charade, there doesn't seem to be a reason to change
You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute
I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably mute
'Cos she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it
And he's holding her in his arms late, late at night

CHORUS
Like Jessie's girl, I wish that I had Jessie's girl
Where can I find a woman, where can I find a woman like that
And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time, wondering what she don't see in me
I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines
Ain't that the way love supposed to be
Tell me, where can I find a woman like that

(Solo)
You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl, I wish that I had Jessie's girl
I want Jessie's girl, where can I find a woman like that, like Jessie's girl,
I wish that I had Jessie's girl,
I want, I want Jessie's girl

Would you believe the Official Rick Springfield website includes the "warning:"
Some material might be inappropriate for people who don't know how to rock.
Yikes.

Yikes.

These guys were overachievers at their Best Halloween costume contest.

Okay, for the record -- all you WH40K geeks -- I don't know anything about where these came from either, so don't ask.

This is a legendary picture in WH40K online circles. The two guys are armored as Space Marines from the First and Second Companies of the Ultramarines Chapter. They represent the Holy Grail of WH40K geekdom: armor costumes. I'm sure even a layman can tell that suits of armor like these aren't easy to make and have the finished product look good. While there are dozens of armorers turning out servicable Star Wars Imperial Stomrtrooper costumes, no one is performing a similar service for the WH40K fans with money to burn. So whenever this picture turns up, the WH40K geeks start deluging the poster to find out if he knows who made the armor, and how much it would cost to have similar suit made.

Give it up, geeks.

Alyson Hannigan

I know it's not true, but I feel like I know Alyson Hannigan. I don't really. I know the character, Willow Rosenburg, that she played oh so well for seven glorious seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I invited Willow over to my house once or twice week for almost a decade. I own every season of the TV series on DVD. I watched Willow grow into a young woman, fall in love, and find herself. I laughed with her, and yes, I cried (don't laugh).
So, way back when... I heard Alyson Hannigan was making a movie. A comedy. Something called American Pie. I watched it on video, and I was horrified. Who knew that Alyson was a saucy little minx? And I never knew a flute could be used in such ways...
Up until then, Alyson was the girl next door for me. In a way, she was like my kid sister. Sure, I thought she was cute. But I never thought of her "that way." Jeez. I feel so dirty.
Not that I was stopped from posting these naughty little pictures for the rest of you. I'm a little bothered that they go a step beyond my usual standards of "tasteful" but hopefully you'll sense the horror I felt when I discovered Alyson wasn't the good girl I thought she was.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make sure my 12" GI Joe figures aren't mackin' on my Willow action figure.

A Former Weather Catastrophe...

Our news is filled with images of Hurricane Katrina. Sure, I feel bad and I've done my little bit already. So it is without guilt that I turn my thoughts to the mystery of Atlantis...

Watching a hurricane flood out a major American city from an indirect hit, it makes you consider the possibilities...

Bond... James Bond

I have said for years now that what the Bond franchise needs desperately to enter the 21st Century is a dramatic overhaul of the format. The Powers-That-Be have been afraid to tinker with the Girls, Guns, and Gadgets formula that has worked since the '60's.

But truthfully, that view is a mistaken reading of the film series. The movies have evolved in format from time to time. The first two were straight up thrillers. (God, From Russia With Love really was brilliant, even if it does seem quaint now.) The next few started the gadget-era. Lazenby was an anamoly, but brought us some pathos with Bond's marriage. Roger Moor veered the movies very close to farce, and several really ought to be considered outright comedies. The Timothy Dalton era proved that evn Bond can be dull.

As good as he was for the role, Pierce Brosnan's films really solidified the "formula" by combining elements of the previous movies. But it was really the producers and writers at fault there.

In the meantime, Matt Damon of all people made a really great, sexy spy series, the Jason Bourne movies. I'm genuinely interested in the last in the Bourne Trilogy. How many Hollywood movie series can you say that about these days?

So I was excited to learn that they've turned to a real film script writer for Casino Royale. Could this be the defibrilator this series so desperately needs?

There's no reason why Bond can't be unpredictable, dangerous, and sexy again. We live in an uncertain world where Bond's heroics are more necessary than ever. I hope they take a nod from the Bourne series and tone down the unbelievability-level of the Bond movies.

The Boss

You know, even as a card carrying Republican loyalist, I still feel that Bruce Springsteen is the voice of America's own soul. So I wasn't surprised to learn this little tid-bit. I was surprised to learn it from the BBC website though. CNN and MSNBC were too busy teetering between hard hurricane news and the Bradgelina debacle.

While I'm on the subject, and I'm still in the mood to wax poetic about other authors' views of the warrior soul (See the quote from Folk of the Air below), I want to print some lyrics from Bruce's latest album...

Now every woman and every man
They wanna take a righteous stand
Find the love that God wills
And the faith that He commands
I've got my finger on the trigger
And tonight faith just ain't enough
When I look inside my heart
There's just devils and dust

Well I've got God on my side
And I'm just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love
Fear's a DANGEROUS thing
It can turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
Yeah it'll take your God filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust

Shogun's Ninja

Sometime ago, I purchased a cheapo DVD collection, The Ten Faces of Sonny Chiba, for about $10. This is a no-frills DVD set. The only extra on every single disc is a Sonny Chiba Filmography. The ten movies are reasonably well transferred to DVD. They are also a good cross-section of the feature length films made by Chiba in the '70's and '80's. Included is his famous Street Fighter series, and one appearance by Chiba as Yagyu Jubei, one of his most famous roles.


These are chanbara movies -- the swashbuckling, blood-and-thunder films of Japan. The casual viewer may not realize there are really two kinds of samurai movies: the jidai-geki, which are "period movies" and chanbara. What's the difference? Seven Samurai is a jidai-geki. Chiba's Shogun's Ninja is chanbara. Now imagine the comparison was: Unforgiven is a historical movie, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is a "Western." Or maybe this anaology, 2001: A Space Odyssey is hard science fiction. Star Wars Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back is Space Opera. All of these examples are films in the same vein, but the gap between them is enormous.

I watched Shogun's Ninja, made in 1982, the other night and I enjoyed it immensely. It wasn't a Kurosawa movie, but it was good. Best of all, it included those quirky moments Japanese cinema is famous for: actions that are meant to be stirring to the original audience, but are only squirm inducing to Americans. May two favorites? The torture scene which culminates with Chiba (who was playing the villain in this movie) stoically grabbing the hero's testicles. Also, in the aftermath of a daring prison escape which left half of his friends dead, the hero builds a bonfire and then does a kung fu routine that turns into a disco dance. No, I'm not making this up. (And as a bonus, the "Spider Ninja" troupe dressed in leopard spot camoflage almost made this list.) These are the kinds of things that make most Americans vow never to watch a foreign-made B-movie ever again.

Shogun's Ninja has another distinction of importance to many of my readers. While it is very much fictional, many of the main characters (and the incidents propelling their lives) were real live ninja from the Sengoku (Warring States) period of Japan. The plot has Shogun, in this case the name (not the title) of a villainous Koga Ryu ninja, wiping out the Momochi ninja Clan in order to steal the secret of the family's hidden gold mine. Shogun personally kills the clan chief, Momochi Sandayu, assisted by his adopted sons -- one deaf, the other mute, both trained as acrobatic ninja. Sandayu's son, Takamaru, is sent into hiding in China, where he learns Kung Fu to defend himself. A decade later, Takamaru returns to Japan. There he finds the remnant's of the Momochi clan living in hiding as street performers, and moonlighting as a group behind the charade of the Japanese Robin Hood-figure, Ishikawa Goemon. Meanwhile, Hattori Hanzo is working to keep the Momochi gold mine secret from Shogun and his master, Toyotomi Hideyoshi. This is a virtual Who's Who of famous ninja. Only Shogun is fictional. (Although Momochi "Takamaru" is probably meant to be the second Momochi Sandayu that appears in the historical records.)

Although this is chanbara, the movie incorporates some actual historical events. The Momochi Clan is killed during the Iga no Ran, a purge of the Iga Province of the ninja and ji-samurai families carried out by Oda Nobunaga. Toyotomi is desperate to find the Momochi gold mine because he needs the money to finance his invasion of Korea, which actually, and tragically, happened. Ishikawa Goemon appears in Japanese folklore of the period as a single character, but his ninja training is indeed credited to Momochi Sandayu, and several historians theorize that Goemon was a corporate identity for a bandit gang of ninja put out by the Iga no Ran -- so this too matches up. Momochi Sandayu is an important figure to modern ninjutsu practitioners because he is credited as the head of both the Gyokko Ryu and Koto Ryu schools that make-up the backbone of the "Takamatsu-den" traditions, principally the Bujinkan Dojo Budo Taijutsu. It caused me to smirk a little when the Momochi secret "Spider ninja" were equipped with Shuko and Ashiko, steel claws for hands and feet. While many ninja-fiction savvy readers may believe these were common weapons among the feudal age ninja clans, they were in fact the secret weapon of the Togakure Ryu, an off shoot of the Gyokko Ryu practiced by the Momochi.

I wish I could say the fighting techniques were authentic ninjutsu. Sadly, the most noteworthy martial arts techniques in the Japanese made film appear to be Kung Fu. There is even a scene in which a jujutsu-trained Momochi challenges Takamaru to a bout and is soundly beaten by the acrobatic Kung Fu. Even the claws of the Spide Ninja are used for climbing trees, which is possible, but no where near as easy as the books would make you think. The Shuko were instead used as an adjunct to Gyokko Ryu strikes and throws.

However, if you just enjoy watching ninja movies, this one is better than most, and seems much more reverential to ninjutsu history than anything Sho Kosugi ever did.

Mariska Hargitay

Blatent Cheescake -- with a weapon (a Glock).

More Zhang (For Tommy)

The Witnesses

Author Peter S. Beagle wrote a fantasy novel called The Folf of the Air. The plot concerns what happens in a California college town when a young girl who is part of the college's Rennaissance Festival / Society of Creative Anachronism club manages to learn real magic.

The main character is a musician, Farrell, in his late twenties who returns to the town after many years away. At one point, Farrell goes to visit a training session given by John Erne, the club's Master of Combat, an expert on medieval fighting forms who teaches the "warriors" how to use their play swords and shields. But he sees this as his true vocation, and he enters into a discussion with Farrell about all martial arts and their place in the modern world. I've always been haunted by the passage...

"This is my time." He leaned forward and patted Farrell's knee hard. "This is the time of weapons. It isn't so much the fact that everyone has a gun -- it's that everyone wants to be one. People want to turn themselves into guns, knives, plastic bombs, big dogs. This is the time when ten new karate studios open every day, when they teach you Kung Fu in the third grade, and Whistler's mother has a black belt in aikido. I know one fellow on a little side street who's making a fortune with savate, that French kick-boxing." Farrell watched the combat master's face, still trying to determine how old he was. he appeared most youthful when he moved or spoke, oldest when he smiled.

"The myriad arts of self-defense," John Erne said. "They're all just in it because of the muggers, you understand, or the police, or the Zen of it all. But no new weapon ever goes unused for long. Pretty soon the streets will be charged with people, millions of them, all loaded and cocked and frantically waiting for somebody to pull the trigger. And one man will do it -- bump into another man or look at him sideways and set it all off." He opened one hand and blew across his palm as if he were scattering dandelion fluff. "The air will be so full of killer reflexes and ancient disabling techniques there'll be a blue haze over everything, You won't hear a single sound, except the entire population of the United States chopping at one another with the edges of their hands."

Farrell asked quitely, "Where does that leave chivalry?"

Matteo dei Servi and another student had begun to work out with their swords and shield, circling each other with the peculiar hitching stride that the combat master had employed. They carried the rattan blades well back and almost horizontal, at helmet height, and they struck over the tops of their shield in the rhythm of fencers, turn and turn about. John Erne snapped his fingernails sharply against his own sword as he watched them.

"A dead art form," he said, "like lute music. As unnatural to the animal as opera or ballet, and yet no body who puts on even cardboard armor can quite escape it -- any more than you can escape the fact that your music believes in God and hell and the king. You and I are what they use to call witnesses, vouching with our lives for something we never saw. The bitch of it is, all we ever wanted to be was experts."

More from Hanzo

I found the story about the death of Hattori Hanzo I referenced in the last post. Here is the story as it is recounted in Paul Richardson's Introductory History to the Schools of the Bujinkan...

"Some say that Hanzo Hattori met his death on 4th December 1596, while trying to bring the ninja of the Fuma Ryu to justice. The date must be wrong as Hanzo helped Ieyasu in the early 1600's. The story of his death says that the Fuma Kainin (he had two protruding teeth), and his Fuma Ryu originally came from Kanegawa. In small boats Hanzo and his men chased the Fuma out to sea. This was a mistake on the behalf of Hanzo as the Fuma were specialists in the use of water, and several swam under water, and began dismantling the rudders of the boats belonging to Hanzo. As their boats were now disabled Hanzo's men decided to jump overboard, and swam to the near by shore. When they entered the water, they discovered that the water was covered with oil. To which the Fuma Ryu Ninja set fire killing all of the Tokugawa Samurai and Ninja including Hattori Hanzo."

True? I have no way of knowing for sure. The Japanese have an odd relationship with their history. To them, often the essence of the truth is more important than the facts of the truth. It takes a long time to grasp the nature of this for non-Japanese.

Total Arashikage Craziness!

Good Lord, what have they done? There are Arashikage ninja everywhere! Can you name them all?