For your consideration

This is John Leguizamo, an "all-terrain entertainer." He's an actor with an impressively diverse resume.

Here's my grass-roots campaign: John Leguizamo should be the Joker in the sequel to Batman Begins. Think about it. See a few of his movies, consider the alternatives, and then tell me that John Leguizamo wouldn't be a fantastic Joker against Christian Bale's Batman.

The Many Faces of Jack Bauer

Don't try to get by any serious Security with this ID...
Hopefully no one will notice my hangover if I hide behind these sunglasses...
You can be honest with me... Does the shiny finish on my pistol clash with my steel gray shirt?
Nice pants. But you're no Jack Bauer. Did I mention those are nice pants?
Hello, Hertz? Is it too late to get the extra catastrophic insurance?
Don't piss me off! I'm already stuck with this crappy Beretta!
Just wait to you see what we do on a second date.
Jack Bauer, Action Figure
Jack Bauer, Man of Fashion
I see you.
What are you looking at?

WWCAD?

At this time, when so much bad press is coming out about certain components of our defense and intelligence communities, I would like to propose the federal government adopt, and apply, a very simple litmus test before acting: What Would Captain America Do?
Although, admitedly, many in my social circle would probably approve the slightly more liberal standard of: What Would Jack Bauer Do?
Votes?

Head's Up, Ladies!

According to Occams's Broadsword's best inside Hollywood sources: David Hasselhoff is back on the market!

A Monster we can all be afraid of...

I am not a CSI viewer. Once in awhile I'll tune in to discover what new technology exists to ensnare me in the unlikely event that I should turn my vast knowledge to the service of evil, but as a rule, I don't watch the show.

So it was with some surprise that I learned from a friend that the team lead for the Las Vegas CSI squad shared one of my pet theories: that mythical werewolves and serial killers are linked.

Most folks with an interest in myths and legends understand there is often some truth to any tall tale. The trouble is in discerning which strand is the weave of the legend. When one pulls at the fabric of the werewolf myths, there are plenty of threads to tug.

One thread is the medical condition of lycanthropy, a condition that causes unusual gorwth of body hair so that the afflicted usually ends up employed as Jo-Jo the Dog Faced Boy at the traveling sideshow. This condition, fortunately, is extremely rare even today amidst our ballooning population. Perhaps some ancient incidents of lycanthropy helped the werewolf myth along, but I have a hard time imagining this is the central truth of the myth. More likely, this is a chicken/egg scenario.

There's also a psychological thread in which the symbolism of the werewolf myth is broken into its constituent parts -- namely the duality of man as beast and spirit. The internal conflict over doing right and wrong. A primitive connection between prehistoric hunters and the predator beasts the competed with for prey. The urge to break free of societal constraints and return to the amoral natural state. Blah, blah, blah...

But at the heart of the werewolf myth is bloody violence, and the revulsion at the unrestrained killer.

For example, Little Red Riding Hood is sometimes considered a werewolf story since the wolf is anthropomorphisized. The central fears of this Brothers Grimm tale are rape, murder and lurking evil hiding behind an ordinary face. If you walk through the True Crime section of your local bookstore, you;ll see these same themes repeated in the books on the shelves: sex, violence, ordinariness. This is particularly true of the serial killer books. In all but perhaps a handful of the cases, somebody utters, "Nobody would've guessed such a normal-looking guy like Ted was capabale of such crimes." It's almost as if Serial Killers have two faces: man and beast.

Isn't that a real werewolf?

In our enlightened age, we can name the various psychological disorders associated with serial killers, but to a less sophisticated people permeated by religious faith, a serial killer must have appeared utterly demonic. Even we are likely to refer to modern serial killers as "monsters."

Something few modern folks understand is that earlier man lived side by side with his terrors. They believed they experienced the occassional ghost, goblin, vampire, or werewolf. So we do have actual records of physical, real encounters with werewolves. One, the celebrated Beast of Gevaudan, I recounted in a much earlier post. But another case lends credibility to my argument.

Peter Stubbe was a German accused of dealing with the devil for a magic belt of wolfskin. With this belt, he would transform into a terrible beast to murder women and children -- partly devouring them and doing other unnatural acts. He was unrepentant and gave excellent detail about his crimes. At least until he was convicted and executed in a suitably horrific fashion.

Fortunately, the psychoses that create serial killers are still rare, but they seem to be more common than the genetic traits that give us lycanthropes. If I had to choose the strand of truth that created the werewolf legend, it would be superstitious humanity's early encounters with deranged minds.

That's somebody's business besides the Turks

As the song goes:

Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night

Every gal in Constantinople
Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople
So if you've a date in Constantinople
She'll be waiting in Istanbul

Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
People just liked it better that way

So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks

Istanbul (Istanbul)
Istanbul (Istanbul)
Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
People just liked it better that way

Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks

So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks

Istanbul

I was reminded recently of this old ditty, which was ancient back in the day when They Might Be Giants recorded it. It turns out that while the Turks certainly did have they final say on changing the name of this ancient city, it actually wasn't completely there "business."

Constantinople was the Eastern capital of the Roman Empire, and was also called Byzantium, almost interchangeably even after it was renamed after the Emperor Constantine. Even after Rome fell under the sway of Barbarian tribes from Northern Europe, the Eastern empire soldiered on for centuries as an outpost of learning and Christianity. It was never powerful enough to hold much sway beyond it's immediate borders, but it remained a cultural center with sufficient military power to hold back the Islamic forces throwing themselves against it.

One of the secrets of Constantinople's success was its location on the Golden Horn of Asia Minor. This was a peninsula jutting out from the land which could be easily defended by a thick, stout wall. The sea approaches were guarded by a navy and high sea walls. The harbor was defended by a thick chain that kept enemy ships from entering. Constantinople also held the secret of Greek Fire, a kind of medieval napalm which burned even when wet. The Roman military tradition also evolved into one of the more advanced medieval militaries. Constantinople also counted on assistance from the Christian countries of Europe. These advantages allowed Constantinople to cultivate an image of invincibility.

However, there was a rotting core to Constantinople -- politics. Even today, "Byzantine" is the word used to describe complicated conspiracies aimed at backstabbing political rivals and turning the tables on opponents. And eventually this penchant for intrigue and plots pitted the competitions of Byzantine rulers against the cold hard cash they owed to Italian merchants and traders.

As it happened, the Fourth Crusade was about to begin, and thousands of veteran soldiers from across Western Europe sought passage to the Holy Land in order to fight the Infidel. They needed these same Italian merchants to provide ships for transport. "Sure," said the Italians, "but instead of paying us, we'll take you over IF you help us recoup payment out of these Byzantine princes who owe us big money." The crusaders were diverted to Constantinople, and instead of fighting the Muslims, they sought a way to invade Constantinople.

The operations was brilliant, and shows that medieval warfare could be highly sophisticated and ingenious. The crusaders launched a land assault on the tower which held the far end of the harbor defense chain. It was taken, and the chain was cut. An amphibious assault was launched against Byzantine shore defense, and crusader ships were run aground. These ships dropped ramps, and armored cavalry galloped straight off the decks. Other ships were mounted with siege towers (called belfries) and the seawalls were attacked in this manner. With the strongest parts of the Byzantine defense collapsed, an ordinary siege was eventually successful, and the crusaders were able to breach the city and sacked it for several days.

Then they went home with the loot. Most of them never set foot in the Holy Land. Few of them ever saw their avowed muslim enemies.

And the myth of Constantinople's invulnerability was shattered by its own Christian allies. The defenses of the city never recovered. Within a short space of time, the Turks also attacked and defeated Constantinople's guardians. It became their capital and all the Christian churches and cathedrals were reconsecrated as Muslim mosques.

Christmas Star

Star of wonder, Star of Night
Star of royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to thy perfect light.

Merry Christmas!

Fresh from the North Pole Toy Shop

Would it be Christmas without a few toys? I was pleased to receive my newest two toys on Christmas Eve -- delivered by that Jolly Old Elf, the FedEx man.

Sideshow Toys produced four action figures this year for their Highlander license. The newest additions are "Origins" figures of the two franchise heroes, Duncan MacLeod (above) and Connor MacLeod (below).

The figures are dressed in the traditional Highland great kilt. Sideshow always does an excellent job dressing their figures and these kilts match costumes worn on film. Connor's (below) is in the actual MacLeod tartan, although it did not really exist in the 1550 timeframe of the movie. Duncan's kilt is sky blue without any pattern at all. Believe it or not, this is accurate. Although tartan (not "plaid," but let's not get off track) is associated with Scotland, and was used by most Celts far back into history, weaving a Tartan pattern was more intensive and expensive. So plain fabric was at least as common as Tartan. Family Tartans, like MacLeod, did not come into existence until the 1800's, after Sir Walter Scott wrote several historical novels romanticizing the Highland Clans.

Anyway, the figures also come armed with authentic swords. Connor carries the MacLeod Family proto-Claymore which accurately depicts the weapon from the film. Duncan sports the basket-hilt Claymore he used in the '45 Rebellion when he stood in support of Bonnie Prince Charlie. (I may have to do a post on the word Claymore...)

These are great figures. I highly recommend them to Highlander fans, or as the basis for action figure geeks looking to do historical conversions. Sideshow's next figure is the movie's memorable villain, The Kurgan.


No, I don't know what they're wearing under their kilts.

More Dancing With the Stars

Just wanted to mention that if Tia and Stacy aren't enough to entice you to watch Dancing With the Stars, 70's icon George Hamilton will also be appearing. Suave never looked so tan...

Gratuitous Uzi Pictures

Want to know more about the Uzi submachine gun's history? Of course you do...

Share My Pain III

Sugar, sugar
She sits alone waiting for suggestions
He’s so nervous avoiding all the questions
His lips are dry, her heart is gently pounding
Don’t you just know exactly what they’re thinking
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy
Come on sugar let me know.
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on honey tell me so
Tell me so baby
He’s acting shy looking for an answer
Come on honey let’s spend the night together
Now hold on a minute before we go much further
Give me a dime so I can phone my mother
They catch a cab to his high rise apartment
At last he can tell her exactly what his heart meant
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy
Come on honey tell me so
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on sugar let me know
His heart’s beating like a drum’cos at last he’s got this girl home
Relax baby now we are alone
They wake at dawn ’cos all the birds are singing
Two total strangers but that ain’t what they’re thinking
Outside it’s cold, misty and it’s raining
They got each other neither one’s complaining
He say’s I sorry but I’m out of milk and coffee
Never mind sugar we can watch the early movie
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy
Come on sugar let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on honey tell me so
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on sugar let me know
If you really, really, really, really need me
Just let me know
Just reach out and touch me
If you really want me
Just reach out and touch me
Come on sugar let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on sugar let me know
If you, if you, if you really need meJust come on and tell me so

I'm glad that's out of my system...

New Year's Thought

Life on earth might not have too may perks, but at least it includes a free trip around the Sun every year...

Satan Claus is coming to town

Even plush Cthulhu gets into the holiday spirit.

Santa Test Fires Sky Ninja's Present!

No Intro Needed...

Excuse me...
I need to wash my eyes out with hydrochloric acid.

Thanks, VAC. Thanks alot.

In case you're still shopping for my gift...

The Aston Martin Vanquish. "f... jrf."

Fashion Concious?

You're gazing at the hippest trend in combat zone fashion. The "Blackwater Gear" Combat Shirt from Crye Precision. You'll note the trim torso without bulky pockets. This streamlines the shirt for wear underneath body armor. It eliminates chafing too.
This is the Field Shirt, which incoporates extra pockets, and may be worn on regular duty or long patrols. Plenty of veldro for your identification patches, badges, and name tapes.

"Blackwater Gear" is a joint venture between the Crye Associates subdivision, Crye Precision, and the Blackwater Inc. provider of --ahem -- "Private Military Operations" services. (The old fashioned word "mercenary" is so passe.) Blackwater provides specialized security services and appropriate personnel for high risk duty around the world. As you might imagine, they have a rather large presence in Iraq. Now that they have successfully branded themselves as THE name in high risk security, they have decided to capitalize on the brand by slapping their name on tactical accessories.

That doesn't mean these things aren't good. They certainly appear to be extremely good, and several reviews have rated the clothing system as outstanding. They are probably a much better solution than the US Army's answer.

The first trousers are the Combat Pants, which incorporate knee pads and hardwearing cordura fabric.

The Field Pants are more traditional fatigue pants, and will eventually come in a less obvious khaki color.
This is an example of the matching load-bearing equipment. It follows the current trend in load systems, which is to move the load to the chest. The modern version of this arrangement was pioneered by the British operating in Northern Ireland, and took several decades before we Yanks caught onto the ergonomic advantages of this arrangement.

For those interested, all these items will be released in the distinctive Crye Multi-Cam camuoflage, and black, with selected items in khaki.

Note: Some of the sources on what Blackwater does are clearly biased against them. However, they do make interesting reading, and a likely to be reasonably accurate. But I make no promises.

Dancing Shoes

Surprise hit Dancing With the Stars is soon to return to network television. The bad news is: "Stars" is a relative term. Most of these folks are B-Grade at best, most are washed up and looking for a second chance.

The good news is: Two beautiful women may make it worth watching.

Actress Tia Carrere, know for Wayne's World, Wayne's World 2, and a sizzling tango with th Governator in True Lies will be appearing as one of the contestants. She's got a pretty good shot at the title based on her ability to heat up the ballroom with Der Schwarzenneger.

The second dancing hottie is World Wrestling Entertainment's Stacy Keibler.
Yes, this blonde bombshell is a professional wrestler. And yes, she probably could break you in half.
Some of you might like that.
Come on. You know you're going to watch now. Don't even try to deny it.
Can she dance? Well, she was a college cheerleader, and wrestling is mostly choreography... So I hope so.
So nice, we posted it twice.

Sweet Lord.